How to counter our parents encounter
After more than 12 years of married, oh sorry successful married life. I still faced a dilemma of answering or countering some of the basic difficult questions. One major amongst them is how to defend our spouses allegation against our parents. Here i am talking about usual bahu v/s in-laws famous interactions (read as nok-zok). I always wonder when parents wed their near and dear ones with lot of enthusiasm and money, others call it 'big fat Indian wedding'. How the matter worsens after couple of years. What happens to happy and smiling faces of wedding day? Where that smile goes? More over we hardly see any saas-bahu relationship going against the usual flow. After searching the web I did not get any convincing answers. So I have come with my own possible approaches in these tricky situations.
First let me be clear not all answers has been tried by me. So I am not sure of practical use of them. Having said that let's start dealing with such situations. As in every case there is no good or bad answer, all depends on situation and how you both handle it. There are various approaches in this scenario. Let's deal with one by one:
First and traditional approach is to be in attacking mode. Like, 'no other husband will listen such non-sense, since I am very kind and reasonable (don’t loose opportunity to blow your trumpet) you can express your feelings'. Another way is to compare apples with apples. Example: you should see so-and-so's in-laws, after marriage her life is hell and all their decisions are dominated by in-laws. So you are in much better condition, at least be happy for it. One more thing you can do is, even my in-laws are no god, and start complaining about them, if possible with real examples. Like on that day, when we visited your house etc.etc.
Also you can mention the pressures you have from your job, career opportunities ahead of you, tensions in office (these are the points used to get sympathy). If you can, don’t forget to mention the expectations your parents have from their bahu and how tough is to defend you in some situations. Here again mention some examples, like his/her in abilities to cook, taking responsibilities etc.
Let me warn you above approach will not lead you anywhere; in fact it will worsen the matter. So better stay away from it!
Second and still used by many is to be on defensive as well as on offensive, switching the modes. Let me give you some example. You can mention no one is perfect in this world. Everyone has their own grey areas. We have to cope with it in life. Or, you cannot expect them to change at this age; we have to do Adjustment, life is all about adjustments etc. etc. They have taken pain for growing me up (and now rest of the pain is been taken by spouse), i am their only son/daughter.
Third and last, a more matured approach would be to get amused and confuse your spouse. Here you have to pretend that you are looking at this problem with larger vision than your spouse. Make statements like, i wonder how these problems exists in each and every home? No wonder today's TV serials are cashing it on. Does any one on this earth have ever found solution to these on-going issues? Has anyone done any research on this? This way you can run away from real issue and confuse the partner so that he/she will loose interest in it.
With my limited knowledge i have tried to cover all the points. Though this article does not cover differences due to love marriage, going little deeper, marriage in different caste, religion. Different financial status of 2 families. Due to lack of experience I am unable to help you countering such differences. You can try with techniques given above.
In all these fights, does anyone care for the poor person who cannot take anyone’s side. Interestingly the spose always thinks that his/her is not taking their side and parents things the same way. This is the only point where both the parties unanimously agrees. Where as he/she is sandwiched between 2 parties. Now a day, I left eating sandwiched, as it reminds me of my poor stand and my inability to deal with such situations. One thing is sure no one cares about the person who stuck in between, like punching bag. How does it feel to him/her when his/her mother/father's mention in not so decent behavior? Or sometimes seeing the actual behavior? It is very hard for him to believe to see the same person he has loved and cared for whole life in darker shade. And no one cares the pain in our heart.
No wonder more and more married couples are following meditation and spirituality these days.
Any takers?
